A few weeks ago, my husband and I got in our first fight since we got married. And, of course, it was about money.
My husband always says that the big arguments in marriage are about money and sex (after watching so many of his friends get divorced; we’re married noobs). But really, this totally makes sense because they’re both triggers for the same underlying tones.
Money and sex both trigger us as related to how worthy we are, valued we are, loved we are, etc. Our financial and sexual states of being say a lot about the safety and security we feel.
Not to mention, there’s cultural guilt and shame around both. We’re conditioned to give money and sex incredible meaning. Yet, we’re not supposed to ever talk about it. Because if we do, we’re considered too crass.
But when we go hush-hush around a certain topic, we restrict any openness around it. And without an open heart, we can’t have honest, constructive, and conscious conversations.
In the wise words of Albus Dumbledore, “fear of the name, only increases fear of the name itself.” Since our language is the structure of our thoughts, if you can’t say the name, you can’t think about it. And if you’re not allowed to think about it (and thus understand it), you lose power.
Ok, all of this about sex and money to say that when we were in the midst of this money argument, I was on the brink of a panic attack.
My heart was racing. I felt a tightness in my chest and all around my throat. I was gasping for air. Fear and powerlessness consumed me.
And I thought to myself, “this isn’t how I’m supposed to feel in my relationship with money. I feel so completely disempowered.”
(Also, giving myself a shoutout to my commitment to the inner work because that was one of my most “awakened and aware while feeling totally threatened” moments)
A Healthy Money Relationship Needs to Be Heart to Heart
If you’ve ever stressed about money (which I’m guessing you have), you know what it’s like to feel totally disempowered in your money relationship.
Whether it’s feeling crushed by your student loan debt, or anguishing over booking your next client, or seeing a mountain of bills and a molehill of cashflow, money stress is (unfortunately) a common experience.
Whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re in a relationship with money. Feeling disempowered builds mistrust and resentment in any relationship. And your relationship with money is no different.
When you’re disempowered in a relationship, you have a heart-to-power relationship. The heart center of money is connected to your power center (solar plexus chakra).
So, in order to allow more money into your life, you have to start by developing a heart-to-heart relationship with it. Because having a heart-to-heart relationship is open and inviting. It’s based on mutual respect, trust, and love. And more can pour in.
Have a Radically Honest Conversation with Money (and Yourself)
To begin developing a heart-to-heart relationship with money, we need to get radically honest with what your money relationship looks like now.
How many times have you said something like:
- I just wish money wasn’t a thing
- My life would be so great without needing money
- Money is the cause of all the stress in my life
- I’d be so much happier if I just didn’t have to deal with money
I’m totally guilty of saying/thinking all of these at one point or another. These are examples of the tone we bring to our money relationship when it’s heart-to-power. And I also recommend you use the journal prompt below to explore your unique situation and money relationship.
Journal Prompt: Write a letter to money as if you were in a relationship with it. Tell money how you feel. Notice the major themes and underlying tones.
Once you understand your money relationship, it’s time to see it from money’s perspective.
So, I’m going to ask you (with all the love in the world), if someone said all of these things about you, would you want to be a part of their life?
- I wish my relationship with you wasn’t a thing
- My life would be so great without you in it
- You’re the cause of all the stress in my life
- I’d be so much happier if I just didn’t have to deal with you
It feels….super sh*tty, right?
Step one in transforming a heart-to-heart relationship with money is three-fold. First, evaluate with radical honesty the nature of your current money relationship. Then, take ownership for your role in creating that relationship.
You can’t walk the path of power when you’re choosing to be the victim.
Any relationship that we’re in is a co-created experience. And while you might not have had the tools, knowledge, and perspective to be aware of how you were impacting your money relationship, it’s vital that we take responsibility for our part.
When you claim ownership of your actions, you’re taking your power back. Because you’re recognizing the influence that you have over your life and experience (in a healthy way).
Which leads us to the third part of step one: commit to developing a heart-to-heart relationship with money.
Love, forgive, and accept yourself for everything that’s happened between you and money to bring you to this point. Then, commit to creating change in your relationship.
You have to be balls to the walls committed to changing your money relationship and financial reality if you want to truly be abundant AF and free.
So commit to the path of self love and power. Commit to being a better partner in this relationship. And give yourself grace and permission to be human and continue loving, forgiving, and accepting yourself no matter what.
How to Develop a Heart-to-Heart Relationship With Money
Recognize Your Limiting Beliefs
Your subconscious mind has A LOT to say about money. And when it comes to the motor of human behavior (especially when it comes to worthiness and safety), subconscious reigns.
Additionally, your subconscious likes to continually affirm that it’s right. It’s always collecting evidence that it’s perspective is Truth.
That’s why if you give someone a compliment that her hair looks great (when she’s SUPER insecure about her hair), she’s going to feel uncomfortable, diminish the compliment, and deflect.
That compliment contradicts everything that the subconscious says about her reality. And it’s going to do everything it can to prove the (false) belief that her hair sucks even when she really has the locks of a goddess.
Using the money relationship journal prompt from above, identify the underlying beliefs that you have about money.
Here are some common ones to get you started:
- Money is never there for me / I can’t trust money
- Money is scarce and hard to come by
- Booking clients in a once in a blue moon experience
- I have to work REALLY F*CKING hard to (be good enough to) earn money
Now, for every belief there is always evidence to prove it or evidence to the contrary.
My cat is kinda a doof and I keep telling him that he’s a doof. And there are a lot of times that he does doofy things; hence, why I call him a doof.
But for all the times that he’s a total derpus, he also has done some really capable things (for a cat). Like how surprisingly strong he is when he holds onto my hand or how he can find a hiding spot practically anywhere or what a master he is at his own temperature control.
Yet, I keep calling him a doof. So my brain primarily perceives all the doofy things that he does.
If you keep telling yourself that money sucks and is never there for you, you’re going to focus on all the times that money sucks and is never there for you. And what you focus on shapes your experience.
So, given these beliefs that you’ve uncovered, write out a statement (or three) for each one that contractics the negative statement AND (this part is important) some part of you can recognize this statement is true. Even if it’s a teeny tiny part. You have to have a part of you who can accept this within the realm of possibility.
- I am always connecting with people who could be my next client
- My emotions don’t determine my actual, present reality
- Just because I’m scared that money isn’t here, doesn’t mean that money can’t show up for me
- Even though I may not feel successful, I still CAN be successful
- I am open and ready to receive all that money has to offer me
- My bank account / client roster is wide-open and ready to receive
- I love to be supported by money / Money loves to support me
- Money is everywhere
- Money shows up for me in unexpected places
- Money and I are always improving our relationship
- The more that I trust myself, the more money I receive
- Money showing up for me is like breathing
- Money is abundant; even if I don’t know where it’s going to come from next
- Effort doesn’t correlate to results
Shift Your Focus to Expand What You WANT
Ok, as I’ve mentioned, what we focus on is what expands and manifests in our lives. So if you’re focusing on all the ways money isn’t showing up for you/has power over you, that focus will shape your reality.
So, for those new beliefs that you’re focusing on shifting, create a space where you can start to log all the evidence that proves them to be true.
Get a giant poster board, create a special document, log it all in a specific journal, just whatever you do, track all the evidence that proves your positives beliefs RIGHT and limiting beliefs WRONG.
This will open your mind to allowing in more abundance and perceive the world as the truly abundant and infinite playground that it truly it.
Get Familiar With Your Disempowered Self
There’s a reason that part of you chose to give away your power in your money relationship.
For me, one of those reasons was because I was afraid of who I would be if I was fully in my power. And one of my limiting beliefs was that living a smaller life was safer.
That more that you can familiarize yourself with the part of you who doesn’t want the “responsibility” of your power, the more than you can create empowering reframes for yourself.
Create space, go within, and ask your inner self, “why is it better to not fully be in my power in my money relationship (and my life, career, etc)?”
Allow whatever comes through to be said; even if it doesn’t make sense to your conscious mind. Write down what this inner voice has to say. Then send it love, forgiveness, and acceptance.
This part of you is working overtime to try to keep you safe and protected; regardless of whether its methods are working.
The more that we push and apply force to our limiting beliefs, the more that we create an aggressive and unsafe environment for them. Which prevents them from being open and showing their true nature.
Like a wounded animal backed into a corner, these parts of are scared, hurt, and unsure of what’s going to happen next. If they feel threatened, they will bite.
But if given space, love, and openness to be understood with gentle curiosity, you can receive powerful information about the beliefs that you keeping you stuck, why it’s so damn hard to get what you want, and how you can heal yourself instead of shaming the hurt parts of you.
You heard me say it before and I’m going to say it again. Get some help if you need it.
Often times, people are nervous to work with because they’re afraid that it’ll be “too much” and I’ll extract more growth from them than they can handle.
But in reality, the shifts that I support you through are already here and happening whether you decide to work with me or not.
You’ve already outgrown the subconscious programming that isn’t serving you. You see your self-sabotaging habits that are keeping you stuck. And you know that you can’t afford to keep believing the lies that you can’t trust yourself and that you aren’t enough.
Before, these were embedded in your belief systems and how you processed the world. Whereas now, you’re more aware than ever that it’s time to let them go.
That’s where the pain really lies. The awareness that you can’t keep doing what you’ve always been doing.
And now, you’re conscious of the negative impact they’re making in your life. That’s where the pain really lies.
It’s in releasing these patterns by healing, loving, forgiving, and accepting who you are (and who you were) that allows you to expand.
As a coach, my job is to co-create a space for you to receive support, guidance, and external reflection that makes your growth EASIER. Not to stretch you until you break.
You’re the only one who can know your limits. And yes, there’s a time to carry yourself so you can understand yourself without external influence.
But you also know when that time has come and gone. And you’ve reached a point where you just can’t DIY your own expansion anymore. You need some outside help to support you in upleveling BIG TIME.
So if you’re done trying it do it all yourself and you know that it’s time for MORE – from yourself, your life, and your business – check out the ways we can work together or book a complimentary breakthrough session to explore how we can make magic together.
You know if it’s time for high level support. Let yourself receive if it’s that time for you.